Guam
by Leonard 356
Summary: Season 8: After two months apart, Rick goes 'all-in' with a last ditch effort to save his marriage. Complete.
1. Chapter 1

**AN:** This story has sat around with several others that were in various stages of completion for over a year. Finally added an epilogue and decided to share. There are eight chapters and the epilogue which I will try to update daily.

The usual disclaimers apply as all characters are the property of ABC and Andrew Marlow.

**Chapter One:**

_**November 2015:**_

Kate Beckett growls in frustration as she reviews the report that Vikram had sent. For two months she and her tech analyst had been chasing one lead after another with all of them leading to dead ends. They had sat together until three in the morning in her cruiser waiting for one of LocSat's lieutenants to appear at a seedy nightclub not far from the equally seedy SRO that had served as her home since she decided to leave Rick.

She was so confident that she could discover who was behind the killings of Bracken, McCord and her team in a few weeks, a month at best, the idea of owing Rick an explanation as to why she was leaving him never crossed her mind. After all, she was doing this to protect him and his family, wasn't she? It's always easier to rationalize your reasons if you don't have to explain them to anyone. The only people that knew what she was really doing were Vikram and Rita. While Vikram seemed to be a willing coconspirator, Rita had been less than pleased to learn her decision.

With each passing day, the chances for her and Rick to ever be what they were before she took that call diminished little by little. Her steadfast belief in the righteousness of her quest had already done more damage that what even the strongest of marriages could withstand.

She had moved out the last of her personal items from the loft over a month ago and had chosen to pursue a lead with Vikram rather than meet with Rick on their anniversary. Missing what in hindsight was Castle's last ditch attempt to save their marriage resulted in the end of any communication with him. There were no calls, texts or emails after that night and Kate couldn't bring herself to reach out to him because she would feel obliged to explain her actions.

Kate remembered Martha's visit to the precinct not long after she had decided to collect her belongings from the loft and her warning that even a patient man like Rick could only hold out for so long. That love has its limits. Kate was sure that Martha was wrong about Rick.

A knock on her door pulls her attention away from review of past events. She looks up to see LT standing outside her door with a box of papers in hand. She frowns, remembering that she had to review her reports for a case she worked before her promotion to Captain. The case was finally going to trial and the DA wanted to make sure she was prepped before she testified next week. It was the last case she worked with Castle as his partner.

She is reading her reports from the case when her desk phone rings. She picks it up and answers in her usual manner. "Captain Beckett." There was an extended silence and Kate thought that the other side had either hung up, or was waiting to admit that they dialed the wrong number. "Hello? Is someone there?" Kate inquires, her annoyance at being interrupted apparent.

"Hello Captain Beckett… it's Richard Castle, remember me?"

Kate is stunned for a moment for several reasons. It had been almost a week since she had any contact with him and it was surprising to hear from him. But the way he addressed her as if she was a stranger, combined with emotionless tone of his voice immediately put her on the defensive. "What do you want Castle? I'm tired and i've got a million things to do." She replies reflexively, immediately regretting her choice of words and tone.

"I apologize Captain for interfering with your day, but I need a favor…" Rick replies, the defeat apparent in his voice.

Feeling guilty for the way she snapped at him, she replies. "I'm sorry for barking at you. What type of favor?"

"Well, the weekend is coming up and I was wondering if you could take a few days off to take care of a pressing issue?"

Puzzled by his request, her first instinct was to cite how busy she was, but there was something ominous regarding his call that piqued her curiosity. Instead she counters. "I suppose I could take a day off. What issue is so pressing?"

There was another extended silence as if he was working up the courage to ask for her help. "I want to know if you were willing to fly out to Guam with me? We could take the early flight out, take care of business and be back to the city on the last fight out."

"Why would I want to fly to Guam?" Kate asks without thinking.

"Because we can get a same day divorce there and end this sham of a marriage. I mean, isn't that what you want Beckett?" Castle calmly replies.

The impact of his remark hits her like a sledgehammer. Of all the reasons that Rick would call her, this one never crossed her mind. Not knowing how to respond, she turns the tables, asking him. "Is that what you want Rick?" The betrayal apparent in her voice.

"What I want has never been part of your considerations." Castle quickly responds, the resignation in his voice apparent. "You never told me why you left me, how long you would be gone, where or with whom you would be going. Only a vague promise that maybe someday you would return. You never asked me if I would wait, did you?"

Rick tries to reel in his emotions that were threatening to consume him at the moment. The time for accusations and blame is over. Only a quick end to another chapter of the failed love-life of Richard Castle, where Kate will take her place beside Kyra, Meredith, and Gina. The women who found him lacking in one way or another. "I kept thinking that if I just held on, you'd see that you belong here with me. We promised each other that we would be partners - in all things. You promised me that there would be no more secrets or lies between us only hours before you walked out on me."

Kate starts to say something in her defense, but Rick continues speaking as if this is his last chance. "I love you Kate. Hell, I'll always love you, but right now I don't like you and I'm not sure if I could ever trust you again. So could you do me one last favor and put an end to this marriage that you don't want to be part of anymore?"

Beckett has no idea how to respond to his request. Part of her wants to admit defeat and give in to his request. After all the things that had happened to them since she left the loft, it was the humane thing to do. Rick deserved to be happy, even if it wasn't with her.

But the Don Quixote in her, the person that takes on an organization like LocSat with nothing more than herself and tech analyst as her Sancho Panza would never surrender without a fight. "Why now? Why such a hurry to end things Castle?" Kate inquires, genuinely interested in the answer.

"Cancelling our anniversary dinner with no explanation as to why was an eye opener to me as to how little value you placed on our marriage... I just assumed that a quick and quiet end to this farce that our marriage has become was what you wanted Beckett. You'll be free to pursue whatever you found more important than us. It also keeps it out of press, which I'm sure you want."

Rick pauses to take a calming breath before continuing. A realization of the futility in clinging to someone that would never see you as an equal seemed to consume him at this moment. "In hindsight, our marriage ended that night you walked out. I wouldn't believe it then, but the evidence started to pile up. First you barred me from coming into the precinct, then you came and took the last of your belongings from the loft. The icing on the cake was your promise to meet me for our anniversary and subsequent cancellation due to something that you couldn't tell me about." Rick responds defeatedly.

"The worst part was you let everyone believe that your leaving was my fault. My own family turned on me until mother tried to talk to you. She's been your number one fan and convinced me on more than one occasion that if I truly loved you, I had to accept the things you did that hurt me…"

Rick didn't need to elaborate as Kate was keenly aware of the times she had put her wants and needs ahead of his. Still too stunned to give him a direct response, she deflects. "This is a lot to process Castle and I've got a meeting at 1PP in an hour that I can't miss. Can I call you back later?"

"You've had my number for the last two months Beckett." Rick replies with a sigh as if this was exactly the type of response that he expected. "I won't hold my breath this time." He comments and ends the call before she can respond.

Kate sits at her desk staring at the now silent phone, gobsmacked. The one constant that her hubris had assured her of was that Castle would wait on her however long her quest took. Sure she expected to have to endure a rough patch afterwards and she would make another round of promises to not repeat her actions, but she was positive that Rick would forgive her like he always did before.

She never considered that he would give up.

**AN2: **I don't know if you can get a same day divorce in Guam or not. I read that you could in a story years ago so bear with me if this isn't the case.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter Two:

Kate had lied to Rick about her meeting at 1PP to buy time and her conscience scolds her about her ability to lie to Rick with such ease. She needed to talk to someone about this. Someone that she trusted to tell her the right thing to do for both she and Rick.

Two hours later she was sitting in the waiting area of Dr Burke's office. She was surprised that he could see her on such short notice, making adjustments to his schedule to accommodate her. She sat on the sofa with her knee bouncing up and down nervously, as part of her repeatedly suggested that she leave.

Luckily, she only had to wait a few minutes before his door opens and he gestures for her to enter with his usual reassuring smile. Nerves threatening to take control of her, she nearly sprints from her seat and into his office. Burke waits by the door until Kate enters and quickly takes her seat in her usual spot.

Closing the door, the doctor walks over to his chair, but stops before sitting. "Can I offer you something to drink? Some tea, or water?" He inquires as she quietly shakes her head in response. He takes his seat facing her and begins to speak, his voice calm, reassuring. "It's been a while Kate. What brings you here today?"

"I've ruined everything." Beckett responds, her eyes never leaving the floor.

Surprised by her opening comment, the therapist inquires. "And what makes you say that Kate?"

"Three months ago I thought that I had everything that I wanted… I was married to my one and done, I was about to begin a new career as a Captain in the NYPD… Hell, we were even talking about starting a family together." She looks at the doctor with pleading eyes.

Burke simply nods and waits for Kate to continue at her own pace. He is keenly aware that Kate Beckett will reveal only what she wants to, when she wants to.

"It all started to fall apart my first day as Captain. I got a call from a guy that worked at the AG's office telling me that my former team had been murdered and they were coming after him. He was in New York and begged me to help him… I should have followed regs and sent my people after him, but I decided to go after him myself."

"Were you able to save him?" Burke inquires, genuinely interested in hearing her story.

"Yes, but not before we were forced to go into hiding. A team of mercenaries were chasing this guy and then me as well after I became involved. We nearly died until someone rescued us - and here's the best part, she claimed that she was Castle's stepmother."

Burke is barely able to contain his surprise at the revelation that Richard Castle's stepmother was some sort of covert operative. It sounded like something from one of his Derick Storm novels. The doctor schools his expression and continues to take notes as he waits for her to continue.

"The person behind it all was supposedly one of the supervisors in the AG's office. By the time we got to her she was dead. Apparently a suicide. It was all too neat. Too tidy and I knew that it was all a coverup. Once again I was approached by Rick's stepmother and told to leave the investigation to her and go home to my husband."

"But you didn't." Burke blurts out, embarrassed for interrupting her. She arches her eyebrow and gives him an annoyed look. "I'm sorry. Please continue."

"I couldn't let the people responsible for the death of my former team go free. I went home, packed a bag, and told Rick that there was something that I had to do - without him. I told him that I didn't know how long I would be gone, but asked him to wait for me. That was two months ago."

Beckett sighs and rises to her feet before elaborating. "But Castle wouldn't leave me alone, continuously finding excuses to come to the precinct and see me. I had to ban him from the precinct altogether to keep him away. Our first anniversary came up about a week ago. Castle called and asked me to meet him for dinner. I agreed, but then something came up and I had to cancel at the last minute…"

Kate pauses for a moment and takes a calming breath before continuing. "After that night, Rick made no attempt to contact to me. Normally, he would call or text me every day…"

"Today he calls me at work and asks for a favor. Said it would only take a couple of days… He asked me fly to Guam and get a quickie divorce. Told me that our marriage had been over since I left him and it took him this long to figure it out. He told me that he loved me, but he didn't like me."

"How do you feel about that?" Burke inquires.

Kate gives the doctor an incredulous look in response. "How do you think I feel? Rick was giving up on us without telling me a thing." The irony of her comment causes Burke to cover his mouth with his hand a fakes a cough to mask his smile. She gives him a challenging look and inquires. "What?"

"You just told me that you've been making decisions about your marriage by yourself. Major decisions that effected both of you. You told me that you've rejected his attempts to contact you."

"But I didn't want this!" Kate replies, flailing her arms in frustration. "He was supposed to wait. I asked him to wait."

"What do you want Kate?" Burke inquires, the memories her last visits to his office returning to him. How she would sit there in silence for as long as it took to avoid answering questions that she didn't want to. After a few more moments of silence, he decides to press the issue. "Put yourself in your husband's place for a minute…. How would you have reacted if he came to you with the same request?"

"I would have waited." Kate reflexively responds and Burke can only give her the look that tells her he doesn't believe her. "What?" She remarks to his look of disbelief.

The therapist leans forward and looks directly at her. "Kate, you came here because you wanted help…. But I cannot help you if you aren't honest with me… and yourself. You would have never simply agreed to the request that you made to your husband. You're too good of a cop for that. How many times did you tell me about your husband's obsession to know the rest of the story…. You walk away with no explanation as to why, or for how long and expect him to patiently wait for as long as it took for you to do whatever it was that made you leave in the first place?"

Kate listens to Burke's damning words, but still can't accept that she may have been wrong with how she handled everything. Rather than defend her decisions, she opts to sit there in silence and wait him out as if he was some perp in the box she was seeking a confession from.

The good doctor knows exactly what she is doing and could wait her out for as long as she liked, but saw that their time was running out. "Look Kate I get paid by the hour and I know what you're doing…. It all comes down to a simple decision - either you give up your quest, or you give him the divorce that he wants. There is no third option. The time for that has come and gone."

Burke rises to his feet and offers her a sad smile. "Our time is up. You can see my receptionist if you wish to continue our sessions…. I have a weekly group session for people like you with obsessive compulsive issues. The next meeting is 7:30 tomorrow night at St Luke's. I'd like you to consider coming. Think about it. Good luck Kate." He walks to the door opening it for her as she exits without a word.

Beckett curses Dr Burke, Rick, and herself the entire drive back to the precinct. She was angry at Burke for accusing her of being unable to control her actions. Angry at herself for seeking his help in the first place. But most of her anger was focused on Castle for forcing this issue on her with his request that they end their marriage with a quickie divorce. She considers simply refusing his request, forcing him to file for divorce in New York. An action that would draw the attention of the press and the NYPD to her. Attention that she didn't want.

By the time she entered her office, she was both physically and emotionally drained. Other than a cup of coffee, she'd had nothing to eat the entire day so far. More and more of her nights had been spent on the sofa of her office recently as it became more and more difficult to sleep in her seedy SRO - alone.

She considered her options as she tried to do her normal administrative duties as Captain. Kate knew that Dr Burke was right - she had to choose between LocSat or Castle. There was no third option now. While she was no closer to catching LocSat than she was the night she left the loft, there was no guarantee that the damage she had done to her marriage could ever be repaired. If she chooses Castle, then she will never know if her former team's deaths were avenged. If she chooses LocSat, then she looses the one man that truly loved her.

She owed Rick a call and picks up the phone to dial his number.

Rick answers the phone on the third ring. "Beckett, what a surprise." Rick replies emotionlessly, knowing that her quick response meant only one thing.

"Text me the flight information and I'll meet you at the airport." Kate responds and ends the call before the tears she was fighting took control of her.


	3. Chapter 3

Three:

Rick hung up the phone, too stunned to speak. His last ditch attempt to make Kate see what she was about to lose had failed miserably. He knew that this was a risk from the moment that he came up with the idea and hearing her agree to it so quickly confirmed his worst fear.

Kate Beckett didn't love him.

Or, cared more for whatever it was that compelled her to walk out on him than and their marriage, which was worse.

Hayley and Alexis were sitting in the visitor's chairs facing his desk when he took the call. They had been discussing a new client that the agency was considering. One of the larger law firms in the city was looking for an agency like his to due background checks for their clients. It wasn't exciting work, but it paid well.

Both women were somewhat aware of his last ditch attempt to get his wife back and could tell by the expression on his face that his effort had failed. He looks at Alexis with red rimmed eyes and speaks. "Pumpkin, could you book two round trip tickets to Guam for Saturday? Make them first class. I might as well go out in style." He remarks with a self deprecating chuckle.

"Guam? What's in Guam dad? And why would you take Beckett?" Alexis inquires, clearly puzzled by the request."

Rick sighs and rakes his fingers through his disheveled hair before answering. "I've been reading…. It seems that you can get a same day uncontested divorce there." Alexis starts to say something, but he quickly raises his hand to silence her. "As Guam is a US territory, a divorce decree from there is recognized as valid in the States. A divorce filed in New York would be public knowledge in hours. I don't need and I'm sure Beckett doesn't want, the media attention."

Hayley watches silently as Alexis simply nods and rises to her feet. She quietly walks to the door, stopping there and turning to face her father. "I'm so sorry dad." She remarks as she exits the office.

Hayley was torn with how she felt about the mess he was in with his wife. A part of her wanted to see the two divorce so that she could finally come clean on why she was there. She had been Rick's secret protector since his abduction by the CIA on his original wedding day, but only she knew about that. His memory wipe that was the price he paid to return to his family, removed her along with everything else that happened during that time.

During their brief time together, the former MI6 agent had become very close to Castle. She had saved his life after he had been shot by people that he had no business being involved with. People tied to the mysterious man only known by the code name LocSat. How Rick ever got involved in the first place, she had no clue. All she received was a request from Jackson Hunt to protect Richard Castle. It was much later when she discovers why Hunt would take an interest in the writer.

It was Hunt that had brokered the deal with LocSat that let Rick return to his family in exchange for his memories of his time with the CIA. Jackson Hunt knew exactly who LocSat was and vice versa. They had worked together decades earlier and both were aware of the other's strengths and weaknesses. Hunt also knew that part of the money made from LocSat's drug operation was funneled back into the agency for the type of black book operations that he was famous for. The type of things that the government could never knowingly acknowledge or fund.

It was also Hunt who learned about the murders of McCord and her team, sending Ms Shipley back to look over his son and granddaughter. By the time Haley arrived, Kate was already well on her way back down the rabbit hole and her mission was to protect Rick, Martha and Alexis. Hunt made her swear to not reveal the real reason why she was there, fearing that all of his repressed memories would come rushing back and he would follow his wife down the same rabbit hole.

It wasn't as if he was throwing Beckett to the wolves. That's where Rita came in. Her mission was to try and protect Beckett from her worst enemy - herself. Twice Rita was forced to intervene on her behalf, saving her from certain death at the hands of LocSat's mercenaries.

Hunt's instructions to Rita were specific. Dissuade Kate Beckett from pursuing LocSat, or at least make sure that she didn't drag his family into the mess. She tried to get Beckett to drop the case, repeatedly telling her to let Rita and her team take care of LocSat and to go home to her family. But once she realized that it was too late for that, she made sure that Rick and his family would not be caught in the crossfire that was sure to follow if Beckett continued her covert investigation.

The last thing that LocSat wanted was a war with Hunt, a man with just as many connections as he. But his side business was far too profitable for the likes of Rachael McCord or Kate Beckett to take down and he would do whatever it took to assure that.

All Beckett had to do was walk away from the case and the truce negotiated by Hunt would have protected her as well.

Hayley wanted to take the broken man sitting across from her into her arms and telling him that everything was going to be fine, but that would be a lie. She knew that his wife would be dead if she didn't stop her pursuit of LocSat. She had clung to the hope that he would finally reach his breaking point and admit defeat, but seeing how devastated he was now, that hope faded to nothingness.

Richard Castle was still in love with his wife.

All the woman could do in response was offer a sincere apology. "I'm so sorry Rick."

Rick offers a sad smile and remarks. "Well I tried. It was a long shot, but at least now I know…. I guess I'll have to face the future as a three time loser…. Maybe I'm just not cut out for marriage." The last comment more to himself than to her.

"Maybe she'll change her mind." Hayley offers, not knowing why she would give him false hope. She knew that she should be preparing him for the aftermath of his impending divorce, a divorce he'd asked for trying to make his wife see what she was about to lose.

The door to his office swings open and Martha Rodgers makes her typical grand entrance. "I'm so sorry Richard." She exclaims as she walks around the desk and wraps her arms around her son. "You're doing the right thing son. She's made her choice and it's time for you to accept it and move on. She's been gone two months Richard and every attempt you made to reach her was rejected. You've got to accept things for how they really are."

He wraps his arms around his mother and replies. "I know you're right mother, but my heart won't let her go."

"But you have to son. You know that I was always her champion, and even I have to admit that It's too late." She strokes his arm in a soothing manner and continues. "What would happen if she did decide to come back Richard? Could you simply forget all of the pain she has caused you and resume your life with her as if nothing had happened?"

Martha waited for a moment as Rick considered her question and knew that there would forever a lingering cloud of doubt in his mind. Always waiting for the next time Kate found another case that would be more important than him. Bracken's mocking comment that 'he would never be enough for a woman like Kate Beckett' replays over and over in his mind, crushing him that the dead Senator knew his wife better than he did.

Martha continues. "I never told you this, but I went to see Katherine when you told me she was moving out the last of her belongings from the loft. Up until then, I had assumed that you had done something to run her off. But after talking to her, I learned that whatever prompted her departure was something that you wouldn't approve of. She was evasive of my questions and I warned her that even a patient man like you had his limits. I hoped that her love for you would make her reach out and explain why she left."

Hearing his mother admit that even she had given up on Kate, made the finality of it all far too real. Martha releases him from her hug and moves back around the desk next to Hayley who had silently watched the exchange. The elder redhead turns back to her son and speaks. "I had dropped by to take Hayley and Alexis out to lunch. Would you like to come with us?"

Rick feigns a smile and replies. "Thanks for the offer mother, but I wouldn't be much company… And besides, I have to get ready for my trip."

Martha gives her son a sympathetic look and exits his office, Hayley following behind her. She stops and turns to face Rick before she speaks. "I still believe that the heart wants what the heart wants, but sometimes what the heart wants just isn't possible... Real wisdom is knowing when to fight and when to accept the inevitable."


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter Four:**

Kate spends the afternoon trying to wade through the never ending pile of paperwork on her desk. If she was honest with herself, she hated being a precinct Captain. She missed the camaraderie of working as part of a team. She missed working with Castle, remembering his antics and crazy theories that made a difficult job enjoyable.

Her trip down memory lane was interrupted by a knock on her door. Looking up, she sees Vikram standing there. Kate frowns, but gestures for him to enter. The next fifteen minutes were spent listening to the analyst drone on and on about another possible lead that she was sure would be as fruitless as all of the others that she had wasted the last two months on.

Rather than immediately agree with his request to spend another night sitting with him in a car until the wee hours of the morning, she declines, asking him to provide more data. He frowns, but nods his head and quickly exits the office.

The next time she looks at the clock, it's well past six. She groans realizing that she was supposed to meet Lanie for drinks at one of the new clubs downtown. She reluctantly had agreed to do so after weeks of pressuring by her friend to move on with her life. As far as Lanie knew, Rick had reverted to his old ways and Kate had left him because of some indiscretion. Kate never bothered to deny it as then she would be forced to admit that her leaving had nothing to do with Castle.

Maybe talking to her best friend would help.

She left her office and took the elevator down to the basement where the morgue was a few minutes after seven. Kate spotted her best friend sitting behind her desk dictating notes from an autopsy into her digital recorder. Lanie hears the signature click of Beckett's heels on the marble floors and stops her dictation.

"Girlfriend!" Lanie nearly shouts as Kate enters her office, quickly taking a seat in the chair facing her desk. "I thought for sure that you'd beg off again at the last minute like you have the last three times I've tried to get you out."

Beckett tries to feign a smile at the M E's comment, but fails miserably. Lanie knows that something is wrong, something bad. "What's wrong sweetie? Did writer boy do something stupid again? I'm gonna kick his ass."

"Castle called me this morning asking me for a favor…. He asked me to fly out to Guam with him for a quickie divorce." Kate blurts out the punch line, skipping all the details.

"That son of a bitch." Lanie growls. "After everything he's put you through, he has the nerve to ask you to do something like that?"

Her 'lies of omission' quickly threatening to force her friend to make things even worse than what they already were, Kate holds up her hand in a pleading manner. "You don't understand Lanie, this is all my fault."

Confused by Beckett's confession, Lanie waits for her friend to explain herself.

"Castle... Rick didn't do anything wrong. I left him for a case I was working... I was trying to protect him and his family. The people that I'm chasing would think nothing of killing him, Martha, or Alexis."

Lanie listens to the pleading tone in Beckett's voice as she speaks as she is filled with guilt for all of the terrible things that she had said and thought about Castle since this whole mess started. The guilt is quickly replaced with with a growing anger towards her friend who let her bad mouth Castle while knowing the truth. "I'm gonna kick your skinny ass Kate. How could you let everyone think that it was all Castle's fault for you leaving?"

Dr Parish waits for her friend to offer some justification for her behavior for a few moments. She can see that Kate can't, or won't explain why she let everyone think that Rick was at fault for this whole mess. Deciding to steer the conversation back to the bomb shell she dropped upon entering, she inquires. "Does Rick know why you left?"

Kate shakes her head silently in response and Lanie gasps. "So what you're telling me is you left him with no explanation as to why, banned him from the precinct for trying to find out why and moved all of your belongings from the loft?"

"I asked him to wait for me!" Kate pleads to her friend for understanding as if her request to wait as long as it took was perfectly reasonable.

"Honey, that man's a fool. If it was me and my husband pulled a stunt like you did, I'd served him divorce papers the next day. Tell the truth Kate, how long would you have waited if the situation was reversed?"

"I waited two months for him after he disappeared!" Kate offers in her defense.

"Two very important differences Kate. First, he was abducted, as in taken against his will. Second, and most importantly, you weren't married to him at the time." Kate starts to say something, but is stopped by the angry look from her friend. "You've never forgiven him for being abducted, have you?"

Beckett's silence to her question was all the answer she needed. "So what are you going to do Kate?"

"What can I do? He told me that I ended our marriage the night I moved out of the loft. He told me that he loved me, but didn't like me very much." Kate replies, the desperation in her voice apparent.

"You agreed to go, didn't you?" Lanie inquires and the guilty look on Beckett's face gives her all the answer she needs. "I guess congratulations are in order then. Isn't this what you really wanted? You managed to throw away the one man that loves you in spite of everything you've done to him."

Kate flinches at the sarcastic tone of her friends voice as she speaks. "What else can I do Lanie?"

"You know exactly what you have to do. First, you give up this case that was more important than Rick…."

"I can't Lanie!" Kate tries to plead to her friend. "I've given up so much already."

"Can't, or won't? Is it really more important than your marriage?" Lanie counters.

Beckett considers her best friend's questions. She had been so sure that Rick would wait as long as it took for her return, that she never seriously considered her marriage as a potential collateral damage. And now she wasn't sure that even if she gave up her quest that he would take her back.

Lanie watches silently as her friend starts to put the pieces of the puzzle together and realizes what a mess she has made. Part of her wants to wrap her in her arms and tell Beckett that everything will be okay - but that would be a lie. The other part wants to smack her upside her head.

"Girlfriend, you must be the dumbest smart person I've ever met. You've got a chance to save your marriage and you're throwing it away…. Tell me this, what happens to you after you catch the bad guy? You think that another guy like Castle will just stumble upon your doorstep? You need to pull your head out of your ass, drop this case, and beg him to take you back."

"I never knew you were such a fan of Rick." Kate remarks, surprised by Lanie's defense of Castle.

"I knew you before he came into your life remember? Whether you can admit it or not, he made you into a better person. Sure he was annoying at times, but you were happier when he was around. Can you honestly say that you're happier now than you were two months ago?"

For the second time today she has been told that she has to choose between her investigation and her marriage. And as much as she wants to hang on to Castle, she's not sure that she can give up the reason for walking out on him in the first place. To give up this case would mean giving up on who she is - a crusader for those seeking justice. She owed Rachael and her team the justice they deserved.

"I'm sorry Lanie, but I can't." Kate pushes herself up from the chair and quickly makes her way to the door. "And about your offer? I'm pretty beat. Can I get a rain check?"

Lanie simply sighs in response, knowing that Kate has ignored everything that she has said. "Sure Kate. A rain check." She replies as Beckett makes a hasty retreat from her office.  
/


	5. Chapter 5

**Chapter Five:**

Things were actually pretty quiet for Kate the remainder of the evening. A deli sandwich and a bottle of mediocre red wine from the bodega near her SRO served as her dinner. She was ready to sleep by the time she emptied the bottle, grateful for the numbing effects from the alcohol. Slipping off her shoes and jacket, she falls asleep still in her work attire, too drained to bother changing into her customary sleep outfit consisting of a pair of Rick's boxer shorts and his X-Men tee shirt.

But even the combination of exhaustion and alcohol only provide her a few hours of sleep before she is awoken by the nightmares that have plagued her every night since she left the loft. They were always variations on the same theme. Someone dies because she fails to bring down LocSat. Sometimes it was Rick, or Martha, or Alexis. Sometimes it was a combination of the three, but it always ended with her facing the shadowy figure as they taunt her for her failure before ending her own life. By now, she had become numb to the idea that she would die for her quest.

Tonight's dream was entirely different and more frightening than the others. She could see the loft, only it looked entirely different. The next thing she sees is herself chasing two small boys, maybe two years old. They looked like twins and were laughing as she chased after the boys into what looked like the dining room. She places the two boys into the booster seats as a beautiful young girl, maybe six or seven enters the room carrying a tray of food. Following her was Rick, carrying an even larger tray of food along with their coffees. She sees herself smiling and holding Castle's hand tightly in hers as they watch what had to be their children enjoying their breakfast together as a family. The last thing she remembered before waking, was the feeling of absolute adoration that they shared with each other at that moment.

Kate wipes a tear from her eye with the heel of her hand as she finishes her replay of the dream. '_A dream is a wish your heart makes'_ she chuckles to herself remembering her father using the Disney cliché when she was a young girl and wonders if that was the case. Deep down she knew that if she followed through with her quest, a life with Castle would be nothing more than a dream. Until they make their divorce final, there's a chance that the dream could be reality.

Knowing that she would not be able to return to sleep after her dream, Kate trudged into the bathroom and started the shower. She peeled off yesterday's work clothes that she had fallen asleep in and climbed into the steaming spray. Beckett stood there for several minutes letting the hot water beat down upon her tired frame as her mind drifted back to the dream. _'Was it even possible for her to become the woman in the dream?'_ She questioned herself. Since her mother's murder, her life has been entirely focused on one thing - justice. Either for her mother, or for other victims of crime.

That quest had been her entire life until Richard Castle somehow wormed his way into it. He was charming, funny, ruggedly handsome, and seemed to be enough of a distraction to keep her from being consumed entirely by her obsession. He was able to make her believe that she could be something more than just a champion of those seeking justice. That she could love and be loved in return.

She had no idea how long she had been standing under the spay, but noticed that the water was beginning to cool, telling her that it had been a while. Kate quickly washes her body and hair, getting out before the water turns cold. She dries herself off and stands before the mirror looking at the woman before her. She looks older, the dark circles under her eyes and the gaunt look of her cheekbones from not eating made her appear to be Castle's age.

She brushes her teeth and begins the process of applying enough makeup to try and conceal the effects her quest has had on her body. After blow drying her hair, she ties it into a pony tail and walks back into the other room, as she searches for an appropriate work outfit. Satisfied with her appearance, Kate gathers up her badge, phone, and cuffs, stuffing them into her jacket pocket while she places her service weapon in its holster. She glances at the nightstand, grabbing her father's watch and slipping on the gold chain that contained her mother's ring.

It was then she notices the wedding band and engagement ring lying there. Her rings. Beckett picks them up and stuffs them into her purse where they had been for the last two months, not remembering taking them out in the first place. She could only assume that she must have taken them out last night. Why she did so was beyond her at the moment.

Despite it being 5:00 am, Kate decides to head to the precinct and try to get caught up on the mountain of paperwork on her desk. Even with the early hour, the streets are teeming with activity and only a few minutes are shaved from her normal commute. Arriving at her floor, she heads directly for the breakroom and to the coffee machine that Castle had bought years ago. She was finally getting the hang of operating the beast without Rick there to do it for her and she'd never admit it to him, but his coffee always tasted better.  
Beckett carries the oversized cup of coffee into her office and places it on the one clear spot on her desk. She plows into the task at hand, hoping to take her mind off of the mess she is in. It was a few minutes before seven when a knock on her door pulls her attention away from a new procedural document just issued from 1PP she was reading. She gestures for him to enter as she closes the document.

Vikram enters her office, laptop in hand and closes the door behind him. He quickly walks around to her side of the desk and places the laptop before her. He starts typing something and begins to tell her about a guy he found that may lead them to LocSat. That they needed keep an eye on him and see who he was working with.

Kate thanks him for his diligence, but needs to take a couple of days off from the investigation to take care of personal issues. She assures him that after she takes care of this issue, she'll be able to devote all of her attention to bringing down LocSat. All Vikram can do is nod his head and quickly exit her office.

Beckett spends the rest of the day splitting her time between paperwork and trips back and forth to 1PP. She did manage to grab a burger from Remy's on her way back to the precinct which had been the first food she had eaten in nearly a day. Back in her office, Kate thinks about Dr Burke's offer to attend the group session this evening. She never considered her actions as obsessive or compulsive. To be compulsive meant that she didn't have control of her behavior.

Kate Beckett was always in control, wasn't she?

X-X-X-X

Rick had spent the better part of the morning planning on what he would do after the divorce was finalized. Rather than return to New York, he decided to extend his stay out west. Rick would fly from Guam to San Francisco and then drive down the coast to LA. He had no idea what he'd do there, but he just couldn't face the thought of returning to New York as a three time loser.

He'd slept in his PI's office on the sofa again last night, much like the majority of nights since Kate had taken the last of her belongings from the loft. With Kate gone, Martha living in her own place and Alexis only returning from her dorm between semesters, the place he thought of as home felt little like one to him. He considered selling the loft and moving to a smaller place closer to his business. Castle seriously considered selling the PI business, The Olde Haunt, and his Hamptons home, moving somewhere he could be anonymous.

A knock at his office door pulls him from his morose thoughts. Hayley pokes her head inside the door and asks if he has a minute to talk. Castle feigns a smile and tells her that he always has time for her. She enters the office, taking a seat in the chair facing the desk. At first the conversation was focused on their new client and a few of the cases that she was working on.

As the work related discussion comes to an end, Hayley looks at Rick and inquires. "So you're really going to fly to Guam tomorrow?"

"What can I say? I went all in and she called my bluff." Castle replies with a sigh.

"Is this what you want?"

"Of course it isn't, but what I want doesn't seem to matter."

"So you're telling me that if Beckett came to you today, told you that she's done with whatever made her leave you in the first place, and asked to be your wife again, that you could forgive her?" Hayley asks, already suspecting the answer.

"Yes I could. If she made a sincere effort, I could forgive her. Forgiveness is the easy part. The real question is could I ever trust her again? To truly love someone requires trust and that will take time and effort to repair."

Hayley rises to her feet and places her hand on his, giving it a gentle squeeze. "You're a good man Richard Castle. Too good for a woman who refuses to see how lucky she is…". She releases his hand and is out the door before he can respond.

Exiting the outside office, Hayley makes her way down the hall to the elevator, while making the call that she didn't want to make.  
/


	6. Chapter 6

**Chapter Six:**

At exactly 5:01 pm, Kate locks her desk drawers, slips on her jacket and grabs her phone and purse. She quietly exits her office, locking the door behind her. She exchanges vague pleasantries with a few of the uniformed officers as she makes her way to the elevator. Beckett is about to climb into her cruiser when she sees a shadowy shape appear from behind one of the support columns in the underground garage. Her senses already on alert, Kate starts to reach for the weapon on her hip as the figure approaches.

"Ah, Captain Beckett, we need to talk."

Kate recognizes the voice, but still holds onto her gun. She stops and turns to face the woman standing beside her cruiser. "I didn't expect to ever see you again Rita." She replies emotionlessly.

"I didn't plan on it either, but you didn't heed my warning and now I've got to clean up your mess." Rita practically growls as she speaks. "Lets go for a ride…" She remarks, as she walks around to the passenger side of Kate's car.

A few moments later, the car is in the midst of Friday night rush hour traffic. Neither woman has spoken since they got into the cruiser and Kate's frustration was only growing. She had enough on her mind already, with her pending trip to Guam in the morning. That last thing she wanted was a lecture from Castle's stepmother. "What do you want Rita?" Kate inquires.

The older woman holds up her hand to silence Kate while pulling a small device from her coat pocket and flips the switch on the side. At first the LED flickers red several times and then turns a steady green. Beckett stares at the device as Rita breaks the tense silence. "It appears that your car has been bugged. This little thing will prevent whomever is listening from hearing our conversation."

Kate starts to say something, but is halted by the icy glare from the woman sitting across from her. "It's one thing jump down into the rabbit hole head first, but to do it blind, deaf, and dumb? Did you ever look into what McCord and her team were investigating when they were murdered? Did you know that Bracken is the reason they were killed and not some memo that Vikram showed you?"

Rita pauses and looks at the woman behind the wheel and can see that Beckett has no idea what she was talking about. "I thought as much. Bracken had contacted the AG's office after his request for a retrial was denied about four months ago. He was trying to broker a deal for his freedom in exchange for the arrest and conviction of the drug lord known only by the name LocSat."

Kate lets out a gasp hearing that Bracken had been trying to secure his freedom after everything he had done. This explained his reaction when she asked him about LocSat in prison the day before his murder.

"Did it ever strike you as odd, that your little helper appears in New York after the other members of his team were killed, a person that you had never met before, asking for your help. Did you ever wonder why he would quit his job with the AG to work with you?"

"He wanted to catch the people behind McCord and her team's deaths as much as I did. He's been helping me track down LocSat." Kate counters in her defense which results in a mocking laugh from Rita.

"Vikram Singh, or whatever his real name is, never worked for the Attorney General. He was sent to New York to learn whatever you knew about Bracken's ties to LocSat. Once you decided to chase after LocSat, he was ordered to stay with you and keep you busy chasing leads that went nowhere." Rita remarks as she watches Beckett's grip tighten on the steering wheel, trying to control the rage she felt at the moment.

"And that's why I'm here. It appears that your little helper became suspicious of your recent reluctance to participate in your after hours escapades and informed his bosses. He was given the order to arrange an 'accident' for you…"

"How do you know that?" Kate gasps in shock at the revelation.

"Because I've been monitoring his communications since he showed up at your precinct. My job has been to protect you from LocSat and his minions."

"So why didn't you tell me about Vikram?" Beckett inquires angrily.

"Why? What would you have done? Arrested him? Every phone call, email, text message that you have sent or received in the last two months was in his possession. You thought that he was surveilling others when he was really doing you and to be honest, as long as you were wasting your time with him my team could do our job."

Rita's comment enraged her, but before she could say anything in her defense, she is waved off by an even angrier looking woman than herself. "The men you knew as Vikram's bosses are the type of people that could take out William Bracken from a cell in solitary confinement. How long do you think that you would have been able to hold Vikram? No, I've taken care of the problem…"

Rita didn't need to elaborate. Kate knew exactly what she meant. At this moment she realizes that the woman sitting beside her knew a lot more about LocSat than she would ever admit. "You know who LocSat is don't you?"

"I know that LocSat will stop at nothing to eliminate anyone or anything that he perceives as a threat to his operation. You need to walk away from this. You can't win and all you will do is make others potential collateral damage." Rita comments matter-of-factly, hoping that Beckett will give up her crusade.

"What if I can't?" Kate counters. "This has already cost me everything that I held dear."

"Really? From where I'm sitting, you've given up nothing of any real value to you. I told you to go home to your husband, but you wouldn't listen to me. I told you to leave LocSat to me. What did you do? The exact opposite. You chose this quest over your husband."

Rita's remark felt like a slap in the face and only increased her anger. "I did what you told me to do. I put as much distance between myself and Rick as I could… but Castle wouldn't let me go. He kept trying to get near me and it forced me to do cruel things to him to keep him away…"

"Bullshit!" Rita hisses at Kate. "You heard what you wanted to hear and decided to do neither. When I told you that if you went down the rabbit hole after LocSat that you would have to give up everything, I meant EVERYTHING. Your husband, your friends, your family, and your career. But no, you thought that you could simply move out on your husband, but keep your friends, family and job. To go after someone like LocSat, you have to become like me, a ghost. No friends, no family, nothing that can be used against you. Nothing beyond the mission at hand. That's what I was talking about."

"But you told me that you were married to Rick's father. Doesn't that prove you wrong?" Kate counters.

Rita can only offer her a wistful look in response. "I've worked with the man that you know as Rick's father for over twenty years. We've been a lot of things to each other, but husband and wife was never one of them… The man you know as Jackson Hunt has never been married. He dedicated his entire life to the agency, like I did. I thought that if you believed I was related to Rick somehow, you'd listen to me. I was wrong about that…."

"So you lied to me?" Kate can barely focus on driving as her emotions threaten to take control of her.

"My, my, my, aren't we the hypocrite?" Rita mockingly responds. "You've done nothing but lie to everyone about everything for the last two months and you have the nerve to act all holier than thou with me? And lies of omission are still lies."

Rita sighs in frustration and rakes her fingers through her short cropped hair. "The real reason that I'm here is to tell you to do whatever it takes and fix things with Rick. If you follow through with your trip to Guam tomorrow, then you will truly be on your own. Hunt was specific that my mission ended the moment you were no longer Rick's wife. That's the only thing that has kept you alive since you took that call. Didn't you ever wonder how I always managed to show up at just the right moment, just in time to save you?"

Beckett nearly rear ends a taxi making a sudden stop for a fare in front of her, stunned by the revelations from the woman she had thought was part of Rick's family. Trying to regain some composure, she asks the question she dreads hearing the answer to. "Does Castle know about this?"

"Of course not. Do you think for one moment that he would have agreed to leave you dangling out there as bait to see what LocSat's next move would be?" The anger in her voice rising with each word. "No, if he had any idea just what you were involved in, he would have thrown himself into the middle of it to protect you… but then again, you've always underestimated Rick's abilities, haven't you?"

Kate nods at first not really understanding her remarks. She knew that Castle would put himself in harms way to protect her. He had so many times before. That was why she had to get away from him. To protect him from himself. But Rita's last mocking remark only added to the intense dislike she felt for this woman.

"What do you mean? I've never underestimated Rick." Kate angrily replies which earns a laugh from Rita, further fueling her ire.

"That's a good one Beckett!" Rita replies, still laughing. She pauses for a moment as her expression turns to granite before continuing. "You knew that Rick spent over a year working with the CIA. Do you think that he didn't learn anything while he was there? You've seen his skills with a handgun and witnessed his ability to extract a confession by force. Where do you think he learned those skills? Do you honestly think that Derrick Storm was a figment of his imagination? And I thought you were a good detective..."

Kate tries to process everything that the woman said to him. She knew from personal experience that everything she said was true. That Nikki and Rook were loosely based upon him and her. That Clara Stryke was based upon Sophia Turner. Was Derrick Storm based upon Rick? "Are you trying to tell me that Rick is a spy?"

"No, that's not what I'm saying. Let's just say that your soon to be ex husband developed some desirable skills that the agency coveted…. But Rick had Alexis and she was more important to him than anything. An 'arrangement' was made and he spent several years doing the occasional 'special project' for the agency while maintaining his career as a writer and father."

"After a mission went bad, he severed all ties with the agency, going as far as to kill off his beloved Derrick Storm as a symbolic gesture. The pressures of trying to be two different people finally got to him. Once again, he chose those he loved over his career."

"So for the last eight years he's been lying to me?" Kate inquires incredulously, shaking her head in disbelief.

"No, you simply assumed that he was nothing more than the man presented in the articles on Page Six. Does Rick know everything about your life before you met? I don't think so. By the time you two met, his ties with the agency were severed. He was smart enough to keep that part of his life a secret from everyone and he never looked back. Did you ever wonder why the CIA chose Richard to assist with the rescue of a former prep school classmate? He was abducted by the agency on his wedding day because of his skills and his knowledge of the person they were trying to rescue to prevent a terrorist attack on New York."

Rita pauses as Kate listens intently to her, the anger she felt towards Castle slowly ebbing. "After the mission in Thailand, Rick was flown to LA and treated for the Dengue Fever that he contracted while there. Somehow he stumbled onto something that put him into LocSat's crosshairs and he was shot. Hunt had caught wind of what he was up to and sent someone there to protect him, but by then it was too late."

"A deal was brokered between Hunt and the man you know as LocSat. Rick could agree to have his memories wiped of his entire time away from you in exchange for the safety of you and his family. His other choice was a faked death and a return to a life in the agency. He never hesitated, choosing you and his family over the pursuit of LocSat. His greatest fear was that you would somehow find out about LocSat and leave him to go after the man who controlled Bracken."

Kate feels as if all of the air has been sucked out of her cruiser as Rita explained what Rick went through to return to her. How she was so willing to believe that he had left voluntarily, in spite of the evidence. Even after she learned of his efforts to prevent the attack on the city, she couldn't reconcile the fact that he had been gone six additional weeks.

Now she knew.

Rita watches as Beckett seems to go through the five stages of grief in a matter of moments as the cruiser continues to slowly make its way through traffic. She watches as Kate's whole body seems to deflate before her, all confidence gone.

"All this time…" Kate whispers to herself.

"What are you going to do?" Rita asks again. "You being married to Rick is the only thing keeping you alive right now. Hunt has enough on LocSat to topple his entire empire if a war begins between the two of them. As long as you're part of Rick's family and agree to drop this case, the truce will protect you also."

Rita didn't have to tell her that she would be on her own if she followed through with her plan to fly off tomorrow with Rick. But what the woman was asking of her went against everything she believed in. 'Could I live with myself knowing that the person behind all these deaths remained free to do what they want?' She asks herself.

"I've done what I was asked to do…. Pull over anywhere and I'll get out." Rita remarks defeatedly.

Kate complies as the cruiser comes to a stop in the taxi lane. Rita opens the door and simply remarks. "Goodbye Ms Beckett." She's out of the car and quickly disappears into the crowd of people on the sidewalk.

Kate pulls back into traffic and starts to make her way back towards her SRO. She had million thoughts to sort through and less than twelve hours before her flight.  
/


	7. Chapter 7

**Chapter Seven:**

Rick looks at his watch for what had to have been the tenth time in as many minutes since he arrived at the departure gate. When he wasn't looking at his watch, he was scanning the area to see if she had arrived. He was a jumbled mix of emotions and his anxiety only increased with each passing minute. The part of him controlled by his brain hoped that she would arrive so that they could put an end to the farce that their marriage had become. But the other part, controlled by his heart, wished that she would change her mind, give up her quest, and come back home to him. While his heart felt that that each passing minute was proof of what it wanted, his brain assured him that all it did was prove that she didn't care at all.

The pre boarding announcement echoed over the loudspeakers near the gate as the passengers started to queue up in line. As he had first class seats, he wasn't in any hurry and continued to share his time between watching the clock and looking for Beckett.

He finally sees her nearly running to where he was sitting, a small carry on bag in hand. He rises to his feet as his heart seems to break even further and tries to feign a small smile. "I wasn't sure if you were going to make it."

She places the bag at her feet as the two exchange what had to be the most awkward hug that either had ever experienced. "Sorry for cutting it close, but the TSA people were holding everything up with a scanner problem." Kate offers in her defense. She looks at Rick for the first time in nearly a month. He looks so tired and defeated.

"You're just in time. Shall we?" He gestures towards the line of people trying to board the plane.

Beckett nods her head in response, picks up her bag and walks beside Castle to the gate. They board the plane and are seated side by side in the first row. He stuffs a larger carry on bag into the overhead bin and offers to stow hers there also. Despite being assigned the window seat, Kate offers to switch with Rick. He thanks her and they switch places.

As the plane continues to board, the flight attendant stops by to offer them a pre flight beverage. Rick politely declines, while Kate asks for a cup of coffee, hoping the caffeine will wake her a little. A few moments later, the flight attendant returns with Beckett's coffee and a book tucked under her arm. She hands Beckett her coffee and then looks at Castle.

"Mr Castle, I hate to be a pest, but could you sign my book for me?" The matronly looking blonde smiles at him as she shows him the copy of what may be his last Nikki Heat novel.

Rick offers her the same smile that he used for his fans at book signings. The one that never quite reaches his eyes and replies. "I'd be happy to, and please call me Rick." This results in the woman who was at least a decade older than Castle to blush like a schoolgirl. Kate has to smile seeing the effect that he has with his fans.

He takes the proffered book and opens it, while extracting his pen from his jacket. "And to whom do I make this out to?"

"Lisa, you can make it out to Lisa." The woman replies as Rick starts writing something inside the book.

He closes it and starts to hand it back to her, but stops himself. "Lisa, how would you like to have your book signed by the woman who inspired me to create Nikki Heat?" He didn't know why he made the offer, but felt compelled to do so as it may be the last chance for such a thing.

"That would be wonderful!" She nearly squeals in response, as Rick hands Kate the book and his pen.

In all of her years with him, she had never been asked to autograph any of Rick's novels. He knew how much she disliked being in the spotlight and usually went out of his way to avoid such situations. She opens the book and reads the autograph, recognizing as one of the standard ones he used. She takes the pen and quickly writes. _**Pleasure to meet you, enjoy the book. Kate Beckett, AKA Nikki Heat.**_

She closes the book and hands it back to Lisa who is still smiling as she thanks both of them. She sits back in her seat, trying to drink the bitter coffee as she can feel Rick staring at her, unable to hide his surprise by her action. Kate had always had no interest in her role as the inspiration for Nikki, or at least that was what she told him.

She turns her head to look at him and asks. "What?"

"My pen. May I please have it back?" He replies.

Embarrassed that she was still clutching his pen in her hand, she quickly hand it back to him. As he takes it from her, he notices that she was wearing both her wedding band and engagement ring. For the life of him, he couldn't figure out why she would do such at thing. The cynic in him thought that it was just another way she could crush his heart even further, while the optimist had no clue.

Any conversation between the two of them was halted by the PA system going through the standard pre flight safety presentation as the flight attendants demonstrated for the disinterested passengers. The plane starts to lurch as it slowly moves away from the gate and the flight attendants scurry through the cabin to make last minute checks, collecting Kate's half consumed coffee.

Beckett fought the urge to reach across the seat and take Castle's hand in hers as the jet started to accelerate down the runway, instead tightly gripping the armrests on her seat. Takeoffs always tested her nerves, especially after learning that it was the most dangerous part of a flight. As the plane left the runway and started its ascent, her grip started to ease and she released the breath she had been holding.

Rick surreptitiously watches Kate as she went though her ritual, remembering how she used to squeeze his hand instead of the armrest. He sees her start to relax and tries to divert his attention elsewhere. He had a million questions for her, but this wasn't the time, or place, for that type of conversation. His conscience was especially cruel to him this morning. ''What difference would her answers make? The fact that she's here on this plane with you is all the proof you need. Face it, it's over.'

Kate watched as Rick tries to divert his attention to anything besides her. She felt she deserved his indifference, but was starting to panic. There were so many things she wanted to tell him. So many wrongs that she needed to right, but this wasn't the time or the place. Yet with him trapped beside her for the next fifteen hours, she knew this may be her last chance.

For the first half hour, the two remained silent, Rick feigning sleep and Kate reading a James Patterson novel. The flight attendant served them breakfast and Rick had two Bloody Mary's in lieu of food which raised concerns with Kate. She looked at him, really looked at him for the first time since she left him in the loft. He had lost weight and had dark circles under his eyes like her. He made no attempt at any conversation with her, quickly downing his drinks and returning to his feigned sleep.

Kate picked at her food for a few minutes, but finally decided to give up. She wanted to scream at him at this moment, but knew that a confrontation would only make things worse - if that was possible. She needed to talk to him. To get his attention. The flight attendants made their way through the cabin to collect the trash. As they were traveling westward it would be dark outside for the biggest part of the flight. The majority of the seasoned travelers knew this and started attempting to sleep the minute the cabin lights were dimmed.

Deciding that she had one chance to get his attention, Kate decides to go all in. She reaches over and gives his bicep a gentle squeeze, nearly losing what resolve she had when she felt his body tense at her contact. "Rick? Are you awake?" She loudly whispers to him over the drone of the jet engines.

Opening the one eye nearest her, he turns his head to face her. "It's a long flight, and we've got a busy day ahead once we land." He replies defeatedly. He thought there was a chance for them in spite of everything that had happened until she showed up at the gate this morning. The last thing he wanted to do right now was make small talk, or even worse, hear her justify her treatment of him.

Kate tries, but fails to suppress a gasp of shock at his response. She could sense that he had given up on them. Given up on her. "I had the most amazing dream the night before last…"

Of all of the opening lines to start a conversation with him, this would have been the last topic Rick would have expected from his wife, correct that, soon to be ex wife. The Kate Beckett he knew was far too grounded to believe in dreams. This results in him opening both eyes and staring at her with a blank look on his face, offering nothing in response.

"We were in the loft, or at least I think it was the loft. I was laughing and chasing after two young boys, twins, maybe two years old. They were so beautiful, with piercing blue eyes, your crooked smile, and dark brown hair. We ran into the dining room and I put them both into high chairs…"

Kate can't help but smile at the memory of the dream and can sense that she has piqued his curiosity. "A girl, maybe six or seven, enters the room carrying a tray of food. She also had your blue eyes and smile, but her hair was a lighter shade of brown…. You came walking in behind her carrying a larger tray with even more food. You were dressed in one of your old superhero tee shirts and a pair of loungers…"

"We sat there together, holding hands, watching our children having breakfast together as a family. Knowing that this was perfection…" Kate closes her eyes, trying to recapture the feeling of that moment in her mind.

"Why tell me this Kate? Why tell me about something that can never be?" Rick inquires, the hurt evident in his voice as he closes his eyes to trap the tears that were forming.

"Because I want the dream Rick. I want to be the woman in the dream. With three beautiful children. Our children Rick…." The tone of her voice was pleading for his acceptance and of her sincerity.

He opens his red rimmed eyes to look at her. He wanted so badly to believe her, to take her in his arms and tell her that it was his dream as well. But the hurt part of him warned that she had made promises before, promises to keep no secrets from him only hours before leaving him without a word as to why. How she rejected his every attempt to find out the reason for her abrupt departure, going as far as banishing him from the precinct.

"It's too late Kate. Too many things have happened." Rick replies as if trying to convince himself of this.

Reflexively, she reaches across his seat for his hands that were clenched on his lap. "Please! Don't say it's too late. I need you Rick. I, l." Kate stops short of saying that she loves him, knowing how hypocritical she would sound.

"You don't need me Beckett. Hasn't the last two months proven that to you? How many times did you contact me during that time? I'll tell you how many. Once, to ask me to stay away from the loft so you could move out the last of your belongings…." Rick replies bitterly as he lifts her hand with his returning it to her seat and quickly breaking what physical contact they had.

Kate could see that her effort was failing miserably as evidenced by his attempts to distance himself from her by using her last name instead of her first and moving her hand away from him. Part of her wanted to accept defeat, telling herself that he was right. That too much has happened between them.

She wiped her own tear filled eyes with the heel of her hands, cursing herself for believing that she had a chance to fix things with the man that would soon become her ex husband in a few hours if something didn't change, and soon. Kate looks over at his seat and can see that he has closed his eyes again as if asleep.

An hour passes as she surreptitiously continues to sneak glances in Rick's direction. She wondered how much longer he would continue feigning sleep to avoid her. The longer she sat there, the angrier she became. First at Castle for what she felt was a deliberate attempt to not speak to her. But then at herself for giving up so easily. She wondered how many times she rejected his teases and innuendos over the years, yet he never gave up. How many times she knowingly hurt him with her cruel remarks that he had no say in her life.

No, this time she would be the one to fight for them.

/


	8. Chapter 8

**Eight**:

Rick sat there beside her physically, yet the emotional abyss between them at this moment seemed endless. He kept his eyes closed tightly, still making a failed effort at pretending to sleep. He replayed every word she had spoken over and over in his mind, searching for some hidden meaning. The Kate Beckett he knew didn't believe in things like dreams, or omens, or magic. She was far too rooted in believing in only what she could see, hear, smell, touch, or taste. It's what made her a great cop. There was more to the story than simply her having a dream and deciding that was what she wanted.

He had twelve hours to go before they landed to find out.

Kate sat there openly staring at Rick as he pretended to sleep. She had observed him sleeping enough to know what he looked like when doing so. For some strange reason, she remembers the time Rick explained to her why she could never be happy with men like Will Sorensen or Tom Demming. _"Yin and Yang equals harmony. Yin Yin is the name of a panda…." _

Castle was the Yang to her Yin. Without him there would be no harmony in her life.

"I wish I could go back in time to the day I took that call from Vikram. I let my ego write checks that I couldn't pay…. I wouldn't tell you what I was doing because I knew you would try to stop me, or beg to go with me. When you discovered that I didn't make it into work, you went after me and were nearly killed in the process. I should have stopped then and there, but I couldn't help myself. I failed you…." Kate breaks the silence, her tone of voice pleading, hoping to convey the sincerity of her words.

Slowly, Rick opens his eyes and turns his head to face Kate. Her acknowledgment that she knew what she did was wrong from the beginning does nothing to salve the wound that she had just reopened. Rather than respond, he stares at her, waiting for her to continue.

"I promised you no more secrets, and then left you without an explanation hours later. But you wouldn't give up on me. On us. You tried to talk to me by forcing yourself onto my cases and I repaid you by banishing you from the precinct. I couldn't talk to you… because if I did, I would have seen what a fool I've been and the huge mistake I made."

"But what was worse was I let everyone believe that my leaving you was because of something that you did... I know how badly you were treated by everyone at the precinct and I said nothing in your defense. For that I am truly sorry..."

Kate pauses, and can see that Castle is still staring at her, his face an emotionless mask. "Before I left I was warned that I had two choices…. Either return to you and live with the possibility that the people responsible for McCord and her team's death may never see justice. Or, I would have to sacrifice everything to go down that rabbit hole after them. But once again, my hubris convinced me that those rules didn't apply to me. I thought that I could simply distance myself from you, my friends and family until I caught the bad guys and then everything could go back to the way it was before. I was so sure of myself…."

"Rather than tell you everything, I pushed you away and put my trust in a total stranger simply because he wouldn't question my motives. And guess what?" Kate lets out an ironic chuckle as she continues. "It turns out that he was nothing but a plant sent by the very people that I was chasing after. His job was to learn everything that he could about me and my ties to Bracken while wasting my time chasing after leads that went nowhere…. To keep me away from you."

Kate lets out another chuckle and shakes her head. "And the best part is, he was told to arrange an 'accident' for me as soon as they learned of our planned trip…."

The look on Rick's face falters for a brief moment, replaced with one of genuine concern. In spite of everything that has happened between them, he still loved her. "How do you know this?" He inquires.

"It seems that your father and the people that I was chasing after have some sort of truce between them. I don't know any of the details, but it appears that you and your family are somehow part of this agreement. That included me…."

"As long as you were married to me." Rick finishes for her as she can only nod her head in response. He considers everything that he's heard from her since she took her seat beside him and can't help but assume that it is all just a ploy to buy her more time. Time that she will use to continue her pursuit of the people she's chasing after. The realization that the reason for her presence here at this moment was so she could continue her quest and not save their marriage crushes his very spirit. He turns his head away from her, unable to look at the woman that had taken away the last shred of hope that he had clung to.

Kate sat there in stunned silence as she sees Rick come to the wrong conclusion. _'Of course he would think that I was only here to save myself.' _She curses herself for the way she tried to come clean with him and was positive that she had done more damage to them.

"It's not like that! You gotta believe I wouldn't be here to save myself…." Kate pleads, hoping that he will turn his head back to look at her.

Castle slowly turns his head back to face her. Beckett gasps seeing the look of absolute defeat on his face. "Then why are you here?"

Clearly frustrated by his question, the last thing she wanted was a fight. He had every right to question her motives. He had been clear why they were here at this moment. "I told you why Rick. I'm here to keep from making the second biggest mistake of my life…."

"Maybe you're right. Maybe I should accept the fact that the only man I have ever loved finally reached his limit. That I threw away the best thing in my life." The defeated tone of her voice nearly matching his.

"I had an epiphany of sorts last last night… I was sitting in a group meeting with people that had obsessive compulsive behaviors thinking that Dr Burke was a quack for suggesting that I sit in…. I listened to the stories from gamblers, hoarders, and kleptomaniacs unable to see the parallel between their obsessive actions and my own. I assured myself that I wasn't anything like them. I could quit my pursuit of the bad guys any time I wanted."

She pauses for a brief moment to look in Rick's direction. While he wasn't looking directly at her, his eyes were open and appeared to be listening. She could sense his simmering anger at her last comment about being in control and knew that she needed to elaborate, and quickly. "One by one, I listened to these people as they talked about losing their money, friends, family and even their freedom… yet it still didn't register to me."

"Dr Burke introduced me to the group and asked me to tell my story why I was there. I honestly told them that I didn't know why Dr Burke wanted me to attend. I tried to tell them that I wasn't like them. That I had a good job, plenty of friends, and a husband that loved me... That's when it hit me that it was all a lie. I hate being a Captain. I hate being bureaucrat attending meetings and shuffling papers. I pushed away all of my friends and the love of my life wanted a divorce from me. I had let my obsession with seeking justice take control of my life…."

Hearing Kate admit that she had let her obsessions take control of her life got all of Rick's attention now. He turns his head to look at her as she continues. "I left the meeting with a promise that I would be a regular attendee. I went back to my room, laid down on my bed and stared at the ceiling for hours trying to figure out how I had gotten into this mess."

"I realized that I've had this obsession for justice since the night John Raglan told my father and I of Mom's murder. I managed to choose the one career where my obsessive behavior would not only be condoned, it would be rewarded. I was so caught up in my preoccupation, that I had no time for anything else - until you came along. You made me see that there was more to life than simply the next case…. And for a moment I thought it was enough…"

Rick starts to respond to her last comment, but she silences him with a wave of her hand, allowing her to continue. "I didn't lie to you when I promised to be your partner in all things… I just didn't understand that just like my father and his fight with the bottle, I was equally addicted. Just like the old saying 'one million isn't enough and one is too many', the lure of the rabbit hole was all too tempting."

"The only way that I can be free of temptation is to walk away. From the NYPD and this quest…. I need to get the type of professional help necessary to be worthy of your trust. But most of all I need you beside me, my partner in all things. I know you don't trust me and I don't blame you. That is something that I have to earn… if you give me a chance."

Castle was stunned by her confession. There was so much to process. He knew that she believed what she told him, but the real question was did he? Loving Kate was never an issue. Trusting her to not succumb to the allure of the first rabbit hole that appeared before her was. Simply admitting that she had a problem was a huge first step. Walking away from both the case and the NYPD were the necessary next steps if she was serious about fighting her obsession. But what will she do without law enforcement as a career? The Kate Beckett that he knew and loved would never be satisfied as simply the wife of Richard Castle. No, he still believed that she was extraordinary and could excel at whatever she set her mind to.

"Kate, as much as I wished it could be, it's impossible for us to go back to the way things were before…." Rick can see her entire body seem to shrink before him as the words leave his lips. He reaches across his seat and takes her hand into his, giving it a gentle squeeze. "What I'm saying is we can't go back, we can only move forward. There are no do-overs in life. While I can't forget what has happened, I can forgive you if you truly want us to be together."

This comment results in a sad smile forming on her lips as she watches him speak. "You leaving the NYPD and dropping the case is a good start, but I think we need to leave New York completely for a while. If you're serious about this, I'll do everything in my power to make this work. We'll go away, just the two of us and do all of the things that we never got to do because of our careers. An extended honeymoon, so to speak. It's up to you Kate…."

"But you can't just walk away from your life just for me Rick. You'll end up hating me." Kate quietly counters.

"Why can't I? The Olde Haunt is in capable hands. Hayley and Alexis practically run my detective agency already. No, it's time we took care of us." Rick calmly responds. There's an extended silence as he asks the real question on his mind at this moment. "Or, are you afraid that you'll end up hating me because you quit the force and dropped the case?"

Castle's question hit her like a cold dash of water. _'How long could I resist the draw of the rabbit hole? Would I see Rick as a roadblock and resent him for that some day? Is it even possible to have the dream life I want?' _She wonders to herself.

"I wish I could tell you what you want me to say Rick. I have seen what my future can be with you…. And for the last two months I've seen what my life is like without you. I'd like to promise you that everything will be perfect, that I won't feel the pull of the rabbit hole, but that would be a lie. Just like dad, every day will be a struggle to resist temptation. With you, I stand a chance of being able to fight my obsession."

"Then it's settled. We take the next flight to Fiji and start to finally live again." Rick replies with a confidence that Kate was sure he didn't feel at this moment.

"Running away from our problems won't fix them." Kate counters.

"But going back to New York won't solve them either. I can't paste on a happy face and pretend that the last two months never happened. We have to have a fresh start or we might as well admit defeat. It's a simple either-or proposition…."

Kate could feel that Rick had drawn a line in the sand. The old Beckett would have simply called his bluff, confident that he would back down as he always had in the past. She wasn't willing to take that chance right now.

"Let's go to Fiji." Kate offers a shy smile and takes his hand in hers.


	9. Epilogue

**Epilogue:**

_**November 2025:**_

Katherine Rodgers looked out across the road towards the surf as it came crashing against rocks along the shore below her vantage point. The sun had nearly disappeared on the horizon as the sky was filled with a reddish orange glow. Those last moments before darkness swallowed the sky. Kate always loved these quiet moments where she could be alone with her thoughts.

She took another sip from her cup of coffee and smiled as the night swallowed the last remnants of light in the sky. Kate was pulled from her thoughts by the sound of her daughter who had walked onto the deck behind her. "Mommy, daddy said that dinner is ready."

Kate turns and smiles at the beautiful eight year old. "Tell your father that I'll be there in a minute." The girl smiles and walks back to the kitchen as Kate takes one last look at the final traces of the sun as it disappears on the ocean. She turns and walks into the kitchen where Lilly was seated in her usual spot across from her twin brothers, Jackson and James. Kate takes her seat at the end of the table opposite Rick who was carrying the last of their meal to the table.

He sits the dish on the table and leans down to place a kiss on the top of Kate's head that earns him an exasperated growl of 'dad!' from his daughter and giggles from the twins. Rick takes his seat as they bow their heads and Kate gives a quick prayer. She had never been an overly religious person, but found that it had helped her as she faced her demons and learned there was more to life than the quest for justice at all costs. That she was more than an avenger.

The first year after she accepted that she could not personally right every wrong there was in the world was extremely difficult and she was so grateful that Rick remained by her side through it all. After their getaway to Fiji, which lasted six weeks longer than either planned, they returned to New York committed face her demons and to make their marriage work. The sessions with both the psychologist as a couple and the OCD support group by her alone, ever so slowly started to mend the gap between them.

That's not to say that it was easy. Just as she had to admit her obsessive behavior, Rick had to acknowledge his role as an enabler. Kate accepted the fact that just like an alcoholic, there was no cure, only a life long fight. Kate knew that as long as she remained in any form of law enforcement, the lure of the rabbit hole would be too tempting to resist.

Ending her career in law enforcement was one of the toughest decisions she ever made, but knew it was the right thing to do if she really wanted to break free from the temptation it provided. They sold the loft, turned over management of his PI business to Ryan, and moved to their Hamptons home after Kate learned that she was pregnant.

Deciding that there were other ways she could help people, Kate ran for, and won a seat on city council in the Hamptons. In spite of being pregnant with Lily at the time, she attacked the campaign with the same tenacity that she would have a murder case. Never one to shy away from a challenge, she took to her new role with the same passion and dedication that she did to law enforcement.

A few years later, Kate had been approached by the local party leaders to run for the state senate seat being vacated by retirement. She was reluctant at first, as it would require her to spend a considerable amount of time in Albany, but Rick assured her that he would support her any way she wanted. He could write from anywhere and they could afford to have two homes if needed, as he had sold the loft in Manhattan. She agreed and entered the campaign, winning by less than a thousand votes.

Rick ended the Nikki Heat series, giving her the happy ending she deserved and focused his on works of non fiction. He was pleasantly surprised at his critical and commercial success with his new works using his birth name of Richard Rodgers. He was touched beyond belief when Kate also decided to take his last name as her own as she retained hers when they were first married.

The birth of Lilly, their first child had the most positive impact and seemed to finally right the majority of the wrongs. Both seemed to blossom in their role as parents, with Kate truly understanding just how wonderfully scary, and rewarding the job was. Rick relished the role as father and she could see just how extraordinary he was doing it. His experience raising Alexis on his own gave him the type of confidence handling their daughter that awed her and made her realize just how lucky she was.

The birth of the twins came a few years later as a pleasant surprise. Jackson and James Rodgers, named for their grandfathers, were the perfect mixture of their parents while Lily Johanna was a mini Kate that had her father wrapped around her little finger from birth.

Kate still remembers the day a few years ago, when the twins were about two years old on a Sunday morning. They were having breakfast as a family and she and Rick sat there looking at each other and their family, holding hands and knew that this is what real happiness was.

It was almost exactly as she had dreamed it all those years ago.

She never knew that LocSat and his entire organization had been destroyed years earlier by Rita and Jackson Hunt.

In the end, it didn't matter.


End file.
